Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Growing in My Yard and My Heart

This past weekend we finally planted our garden.  It was exciting, especially considering that the planters with the soil had been sitting there for three weeks (almost a month!) plantless.  Sometimes I can't believe how fast time slips away. Most vivid representation of slipping time is this pregnancy.  It has gone by so very fast and I can't believe that we are starting here at the 8th month mark and staring down a very short road before we meet this little one.

As we were planting the garden, mostly Wes planting and me trying to not get near the fertilizer (even though it's organic!), I was really struck by this feeling of impendingness.  Not an impendingness of one thing, but of life, and this little life to come.  I had much pause to think, will I be able to nurture this garden and make it grow as will I be able to do with this small life being entrusted to me.  I mentioned something of this to Wes and he was mostly annoyed at my question, of course I would be able to, he said while rolling his eyes.

But really that's where so much of the doubt creeps in.  The things that overwhelming the first time.  I just keep thinking, I can't wait for next time!  Next time when I know what these aches and pains mean!  When I know that ache is normal and that pain just comes along with things.  Those reassurances.  But it's that confidence and stirring in your soul that you are a mother and you can provide what it is that your child needs.  Someone has said that comes naturally.  But does it really?  And do I really trust them?  (And who was it that actually said that, seems more like a generality at this moment in time, then someone I can hunt down at 2am and blame for my screaming baby!)

All this to say, I really hope as our garden grows in these last two months of pregnancy that I also find time to tend to my soul and find rest in the one that gives me the confidence to believe that I could in fact inherently know how to be a mother.


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